November 2010
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i sleep in a room considered warm. i have a radiator that i turn on every evening (sometimes as soon as i get home from school, if it’s cold). and still, i sleep with a warm woolen sweater (besides my night gown/pjs).
i was at my friend’s on monday. we slept in the same bed. again, it was warm. she said she was hot during the night. i had a woolen poncho on.
usually, when i’m...
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i ate 1/4 of a salad and 1/8 of a pizza for dinner...
and that was three hours ago already.
looking at the amount, i know i should not feel as full and as disgusting as i do.
what have i turned into?
sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i...
i used to throw up because i wanted my parents to think i was ill so that i wouldn’t have to go to school. after a while, i stopped. i think it was because there were holidays when i didn’t have to throw up because there was no school, and after the holidays i couldn’t anymore. nothing would come out (i think - after reading things about purging - that i was doing it wrong). so i...
HIDEOUS HIDEOUS HIDEOUS
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this is a war against myself.
it’s weird - the first person a human being is supposed to look after is themself.
the first person to protect should always be yourself, and only then others (like in airplanes crashes when they tell you to first get your own oxygen mask or life vest and then help others). of course this changes when you become a parent but i’m not a parent.
i only have myself to take care of me and...
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not too long ago, i saw a dream about a girl/young...
it was a house for girls like us.
i remember there were jeans everywhere and tunics and tops and coffee (weird because i don’t like coffee, but i think it’s because so many say they’d like to live on coffee & cigarettes (double ew for me, though xD))… i remember weighing myself a lot in the bathroom, and that the house was built very weirdly: when you came in, the...
Is this what I did to myself? Or was this thrown upon me?
i feel as if my life is just a waste of space and time.
i do nothing but complain.
How can something so satisfying be so deadly?
random question.
what do you season your food with?
i love salt, lemon pepper, mustard and vinegar.
feel free to to leave your answers in my ask if you have a minute of your time to spare on someone overly curious.
i’ve boarded the train; now there’s no turning back.
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all i can think is if i’m thin, everything will be better; i’m i’m empty, everything will be good; if i’ve sunk to an idolized number, i will not have any more problems.
all i can think is if i’m perfect, everything around me will be perfect.
i think i don’t even care it’s not the truth anymore. i think i’m determined to make it the truth,...
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is this forever?
will i always stay like this?
is there no turning back now?
is there no chance of being truly healthy and happy anymore?
i wonder what would’ve happened if we hadn’t moved to the city i’m currently living in. i probably would not be in the school i am in at the moment.
would i have been this average type of person i am so terrified of being?
would i have developed this disease?
what would i be without this city, this school, the people around me?
It’s all downhill from here.
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it's frightening how complicated life has got all...
i’m expected so much of, from parents to school to friends to myself.
i want back to being seven, running around carefree, playing in unfinished buildings, not being afraid of so many things i’m afraid of now.
people had always said there are snakes in the building. i never saw one and so i wasn’t scared to go in. now, though, i haven’t stepped foot in it for at least...
i feel so weak and tired.
i had a test and an essay today. i think they went well.
after those, i stayed in school for another class but after that, i came home.
after five lessons, when i was supposed to stay for another two lessons.
i couldn’t manage to be in school for seven hours when yesterday, i had eight and i was in all of them.
i think my body’s messed up.
so i came home. slept for about three...
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continuing on on the topic of religion...
… i want to go to Taizé (a pilgrimage place in south-east Frace) next summer, for two and a half months. i want to go because i miss it, because it’s beautiful and peaceful there, because i need to become more active of a believe again.
but, also, i want to go with people i don’t know so that i wouldn’t be forced to eat.
i feel like such a horrible, horrible person.